Are You “Still" Nursing?

By Barbara Behrmann, Ph.D. © 2006

1537 words

Years before I had children of my own, I saw a three year-old walk up to her mother and ask to nurse.  I was appalled.  I turned to my husband and whispered with disgust, “I will never nurse a child old enough to ask for it in words!   Never could I have predicted that six years later I would have a daughter who not only could not only tell me which breast she preferred, but who practically chanted mantras in their honor.

In her book Woman to Mother:  A Transformation, author Vangie Bergum describes the “inner journeys” women undergo as they move through pregnancy and childbirth. It is through this process, she asserts, that women transform themselves into mothers. They become “caught by life.”  That is, they don’t necessarily make deliberate, rational choices ahead of time, but the sudden presence of a child causes them to think in ways they can’t understand until they are actually the mother of that child. 

Clearly this is what happened to me.  And I know I’m not alone.  Many women discover that even though they started out thinking they would breastfeed for only a few months, or maybe even a year, they can find no reason to stop.  They love knowing they are doing the best thing for their children, and they enjoy the close relationship breastfeeding fosters.  As one mother put it, “It was not my plan to breastfeed forever - I just figured we would let nature take its course.  So, it did, and I had a healthy, greedy little nurser who hung on until she turned four!”

Little can prepare you for this mental and emotional shift.  Unfortunately, that means that those who haven’t been similarly transformed may not be the most supportive or understanding.  They may, in fact, offer judgment and criticism.  One mother, for example, reflects on how others view her nursing child:  “Other people see him or her as a child and ask, “How could you be nursing a child?”  But it’s your baby.”  One woman I know was even cautioned that if she nursed her son into toddlerhood he would grow up to be obsessed by breasts - unlike all of today’s men previously formula-fed, I’m sure! 

Even if you intellectually know there are good, valid reasons to continue nursing, you may still feel an uncomfortable emotional response when you see or think about a nursing child who can also walk, ride a tricycle, and learn the ABCs.  Part of the reason for this response is because nursing mothers in the U.S. tend to go underground after a while.  They don’t want to feel judged, to have to justify their style of parenting.  While this is understandable, it is unfortunate because it perpetuates the invisibility of nursing toddlers and pre-schoolers.  And it contributes to the myth that nursing is simply a feeding method, appropriate only for young babies, and should be carried out within the private world of the home. 

Weaning Pressures

Despite medical recommendations of breastfeeding for at least one or two years, many Americans still think of breastfeeding beyond six months to be a long time. Family members, friends, even strangers, feel it is within their right to question this deeply embodied, highly personal relationship between a mother and her child.  Rather than allowing weaning to unfold naturally, most women are encouraged to wean prematurely. 

Even pediatricians may pressure us to wean. But many American pediatricians have little experience or knowledge regarding extended nursing and fail to provide women with accurate information about what is “normal.”  Instead they rely on what constitutes “typical” behavior in the U.S. today. “When her pediatrician is known for expressing the view that, ‘Any women who nurses an infant beyond the age of six months is doing it for her own sexual pleasure,’” asks anthropologist Katherine Dettwyler, “how can the mother of a nursing toddler turn to him or her for advice on any aspect of infant feeding?” 

Dettwyler points out that in most traditional societies around the world, children are weaned between the ages of two and five years. Moreover, her own research on weaning behavior among nonhuman primates, our closest relatives, suggests that the natural age of weaning based on biology without cultural modification would be somewhere between two and a half and seven years, depending on the biological and developmental milestones studied (e.g., a quadrupling of birth weight, arrival of first permanent molars, etc).

Clearly our lives are light years away from non-human primates.  But there is still a wealth of reasons for nursing beyond a year or two.  Here are some of the reasons women have shared with me:

● Health and Nutrition.  “I always have a hard time when I hear people say, “Oh, toddlers only nurse for comfort,”  says a mother in Colorado.  “That’s like saying “You’re only eating Ben and Jerry’s ice cream for comfort.”  You get caloric intake whether you like it or not. Even if the baby only gets a little bit, it’s nutritive. I think of it as his vitamin.”

This is a great perspective.  According to anthropologist Katherine Dettwyler, studies document that the longer a child nurses, up to two years of age, the better his or her health. Although no studies have compared the health of children who nursed for more than two years versus less than two years, no studies have been able to claim any detriment to nursing beyond this time.[i] 

● Nurturance and comfort.   A mother in Missouri says, “One of the delights of nursing Grace is hearing her tell me how much it means to her.  When she hurts herself, then says, “ Nanny please.  Make it feel better”.  The other day, after nursing for an unusually long time, she finally let go with an immensely satisfied look on her face and said sincerely, “Thank you very much, Mommy.” If my breasts had all the power she thinks they do, there wouldn’t be any problems in the world I couldn’t solve with them!

Almost any mother of a nursing toddler can identify with the comfort that nursing offers.  “I discovered that the most powerful mothering tool was my breast,” admits one mother.  “When my daughter would get hurt or feel frustrated, all I had to do was open my shirt.  She would latch on and that was it.  She would go from crying to silence within a second.  We called it “the plug.” 

“My daughter taught me about how important it was to her and what it meant to her, so I decided not to make her stop before she was ready,” adds another mom.

●Preventing jealousy with a younger sibling.  Tandem nursing, nursing two or more children of different ages, is a way to help children avoid feeling displaced by a new baby, especially when they are not yet ready to give up the nursing relationship.  As one mother explains, “My son was an intense nurser and it was very important to him.  Nursing was something he was a part of - he wasn’t shuffled to the back – and  it helped him to feel less excluded.”  Helping a child become independent and self-sufficient are important, but so is being responsive to his or her needs.

 ●Connection  Nursing is a wonderful way to teach a child about security and trust, becoming the anchor from which she gradually explores more and more of her world.  It also might create wonderful memories for her.  As one mother explains, “Because I was nursed until I was three year-old and am able to relate to the feeling of comfort, closeness and happiness that nursing provides, I have no concerns about how long I’m going to nurse.  I don’t feel that I have to stop nursing them because other people say, “Isn’t your kid 2 ½ now?”  I say, “Well, I nursed until I was three, and I turned out ok”

● For the fun of it   Sometimes we just take nursing too seriously.  It shouldn’t have to be something we have to justify or defend.  It’s simply a part of parenting.  And like other interactions with our children, it can just be plain entertaining.  One mother says, for example, “Grace has been developing a sense of humor.  The first time she made up her own joke, she started to nurse and then she stopped, saying, “Hot!”  Then she blew on my nipple and started laughing!”  The scenarios are endless!

Keep an Open Mind

At this point in your life, you may not be able to imagine nursing your child past a certain age.  But your feelings and assumptions may change over time.  And if they don’t, that’s fine, too.  But what might not be right for you may be just the right thing for someone else. 

Several years ago a woman five months pregnant came up to me after one of my talks and asked me why someone would continue to nurse a two year-old. Were there any benefits?  She was not antagonistic, just astonished. Two years later I ran into this woman again. She eagerly approached me, reminded me of her question, and somewhat sheepishly informed me that she was still nursing. “I totally get it now!” she exclaimed.          

Another mother “caught by life.”

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Barbara L. Behrmann, Ph.D. is a writer, researcher, and author of The Breastfeeding Café: Mothers Share the Joys, Secrets & Challenges of Nursing, University of Michigan Press, 2005. She is a frequent speaker around the country and is available for talks, readings, and conducting birthing and breastfeeding writing circles. The mother of two formerly breastfed children, Barbara lives in upstate New York.