Beyond the Nursery:  Nursing with Confidence

by Barbara L. Behrmann, Ph.D.

© 2006

Niesha, a young mother in Arizona, was nursing her three week-old son in the baby department of a large discount store when the manager politely asked her to nurse in the bathroom because there were male customers there with their wives.

Amy, enjoying a lunch out with her mother, discreetly nursed her daughter under her shirt.  The waiter avoided eye contact with her and asked her mother, instead of her, for her lunch order.

Julie was asked not to nurse in a restaurant nationally known for busty waitresses wearing revealing tops.

This kinds of experiences are not universal.  Originally from Jamaica, Opal compares nursing in the US to her experiences overseas:  “I remember going to Mexico when Shola was a baby and sitting on the side of the road, nursing.  I didn’t cover my breast and nobody said anything to me.  Nor did anyone say anything to me in Jamaica and St. Croix.”

If you’re not planning on nursing your baby somewhere south of the border, though, you may end up nursing in the presence of people who would like not to be reminded that breasts do, in fact, serve a biological function.

Does that mean you can’t – or shouldn’t – nurse your baby in public?  Not at all.  Here are a few suggestions to help you nurse in the public eye. 

            ● The law is on your side!  In fact over 20 states have enacted legislation to clarify that women have the right to nurse in public without being accused of indecent exposure, lewd behavior or obscenity.  So…if anyone suggests you move to the bathroom to nurse, simply ask them if they’d like to eat their meal in a toilet stall and share with them this link:  http://www.lalecheleague.org/LawMain.html   

            ● Your goal may be to be so discreet that people aren’t even aware that you’re nursing, but remember that this contributes to the invisibility of breastfeeding in our culture.   The irony, of course, is that the less visible you become and the more you hide the early work of your mothering, the more approval you seem to earn from others.  Aim for discretion, but not invisibility.  

            ● If you are particularly modest, you may be able to use a blanket as a cover up, but if your baby won’t tolerate warm flannel over his head, who can blame him?  And the older your baby gets, the less likely he or she will want to be cut off from all the action.  Some mothers purchase special nursing tops, turn their back, find a quiet corner in which to nurse, or look for a dressing room or some other out-of-the-way location.  If your baby is easily distractible and apt to lift your shirt with abandon, this may be a good idea.  But if he or she has a calm, relaxed style of nursing, chances are you can nurse without causing every head to turn.  (But please, don’t ever feel you have to nurse your baby in a public bathroom, as Patti did.  She would put a lot of toilet seat covers on the seat and nurse on the toilet completely dressed.  That is, she used to.) 

            ●  Generally, the more comfortable and confident you are, the less likely others will challenge you.  Even if you start out feeling awkward and insecure, this may change with time and experience.  Stephanie, for example, a first-time mother in Pennsylvania, practiced nursing discreetly in front of mirrors and her husband.  “I wanted to go places and do things but was so nervous that someone might get a glimpse of my bra as I opened it or, god forbid, a flash of skin,” she recalls.  Her attitude changed after a few weeks and she became resentful and angry.  “I never intended to fully disrobe in the mall but I hated the fact that I couldn’t focus on my daughter’s needs - I had to focus on whether somebody might be seeing more than they should.”  Stephanie became increasingly defiant and after a few months would actually seek out places “that might ruffle a few feathers.”   

             ●  Be equally prepared for positive reactions.  Alicia, for example, was on a plane when her daughter started to fuss.  She calmed her in the most effective way possible, by putting her to her breast.  An older woman came out of the restroom and Alicia braced herself for a look of disapproval.  Instead she heard, “It’s so nice to see someone doing that!”

            ● Don’t feel pressured to feed your baby expressed milk in a bottle.  Not only is a pump less effective than a baby at removing milk from the breast, but lactation works on the principle of supply and demand.  In some cases, pumping, instead of nursing, can diminish your milk supply.  Besides, if your baby is nursing for comfort – or any other “non-nutritional” reason, he or she doesn’t want a bottle when your warm body is right there!

            ● If you’re nursling is past the babe-in-arms stage, he or she won’t care if you’re at home, in church, or in a shopping mall.  You may want to nurse ahead of time and eventually you may be able to explain to your child that there are places where it’s ok to nurse and places where you have to wait.  But again, know that you have the legal right to breastfeed.  And international health organizations recommend nursing a child for at least two years.  So if someone gives you a hard time, gently inform them that nurslings suckle for reasons beyond the milk.  It calms them, comforts them, and meets their emotional needs.  This doesn’t mean that it will always be easy.  Michelle, for example, felt comfortable nursing in public until her daughter was about 2 ½ years old.  “The looks of disgust, embarrassment and fear I had previously received became more intense,” she explains.  “Even though I feel it is not my problem if someone is uncomfortable, I became fearful that someone would see us and, given how our culture views breasts sexually, take it the wrong way.”

            ●  Maintain a good sense of humor.  There is no reason to feel embarrassed for meeting your child’s nutritional and emotional needs.  You may, however, feel chagrined if you accidentally squirt the passenger seated next to you on the plane!  Fortunately, you can be pretty sure that by the time your child starts college he or she will be off the breast.  

●  Tell yourself that you are doing more than meeting your baby’s needs; you are doing a public service; the more others see mothers nursing publicly, the easier it will be for the next nursing mom.   Until our society becomes more comfortable and accepting of nursing mothers, we compromise the health and well-being of our children.  And this is especially a problem for women who can least afford formula and the higher medical bills that formula-fed babies commonly accrue. 

●  Finally, remember the words of Nina, a first-time mother in upstate New York.  “I love nursing in public and I don’t put a ton of effort into hiding it,” she admits.  “I’m not saying breastfeeding should be about shock value, but I feel strongly about nursing and am proud of it.  I don’t look down, I don’t feel embarrassed, and I look people right in the eye.”

One feeding at a time, one woman at a time, we change the world.

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Barbara L. Behrmann, Ph.D. is a writer, researcher, and author of The Breastfeeding Café: Mothers Share the Joys, Secrets & Challenges of Nursing, University of Michigan Press, 2005. She is a frequent speaker around the country and is available for talks, readings, and conducting birthing and breastfeeding writing circles. The mother of two formerly breastfed children, Barbara lives in upstate New York.