Mommy Wars Revisited:
Putting an End to Judgment Day
By Barbara Behrmann, Ph.D.
©
2006
Joyce’s daughter was three month old when a
friend told her she was gradually beginning to
wean her 10 month old. “I was silent - for the
briefest of seconds, I'm sure,” Joyce recalls,
“and she immediately started explaining,
justifying, apologizing. I caught myself and
started making loud noises of support and
understanding. Inwardly, I was surprised, even a
little unnerved, at my reaction. There was
a kind judgment in my silence, no doubt about
it. Where did that come from?
Sound familiar? It’s easy to think that if we
are doing the best thing for our family,
that gives us the right to know what’s right for
other families, as well. So when parents
make different choices from our own, it
can be hard to avoid thinking that those choices
are somehow inferior, even when we pride
ourselves in being open-minded.
Regretfully, the terrain of infant feeding
provides fertile ground for judgment. Formula
feeding mothers glare at breastfeeding mothers.
Breastfeeding mothers glare at mothers buying
formula. And almost everyone glares at women
nursing toddlers or pre-schoolers. The result
is often an “us” vs “them” mentality, not unlike
the “mommy-wars” between “at-home” and employed
mothers so prevalent in the 1980s. And we all
suffer for it.
While many nursing mothers feel frustrated by
being around people who push formula and devalue
nursing, bottle-feeding mothers often end up
resenting so-called lactavists. This backlash,
as lactation consultant Nancy Mohrbacher, calls
it, often stems from the fact that those who
appear unsupportive of breastfeeding, are often
grieving for what they and their babies have
lost. But rather than turning this grief into
anger and directing it at the way society has
failed them, they direct it at breastfeeding
enthusiasts.
To be sure, rudeness and insensitivity exist on
both sides. And those of us who are
breastfeeding advocates – and I clearly place
myself in this category –must be careful not to
let passion override compassion. We need
to remember that one-size-fits-all advice is
inappropriate and counterproductive. We don’t
walk in another woman’s shoes. Equally
important, fighting each other prevents us from
fighting the real sources of the problem; the
ways our society makes nursing unnecessarily
challenging.
Challenges in the Culture
Consider the following:
F
Mothers may lack accurate information about
breast milk and adequate support for
breastfeeding. Some health care providers lack
sufficient knowledge to help them if they run
into problems.
F Routine
labor and birthing procedures in hospitals often
result in babies and mothers too sleepy or
traumatized to nurse.
F Supplemental
feedings of formula in the hospital have almost
doubled in the past ten years, a practice known
to derail nursing.
F Mothers
and babies are often separated after birth, just
at the time when babies would start searching
for the breast if left on their mothers’
bellies.
F Women
are often discharged before breastfeeding is
established and fail to receive adequate
assistance and follow-up.
F Formula
companies use marketing tactics that convince
mothers they won’t have enough milk.
F Many
women have to go back to work at six weeks
post-partum and aren’t able to express their
milk or have their babies with them
F Breasts
are seen as something to “turn-on” a man, not to
latch on a baby and women may feel uncomfortable
about nursing in public.
With these kinds of obstacles, it’s no wonder
that formula use is so prevalent. And it’s
understandable that some women find
breastfeeding too difficult to continue.
After all, the opportunity to breastfeed
shouldn’t depend on whether we can afford to
visit a lactation consultant, stay home with our
children, or have a private office in which to
express milk. It shouldn’t depend on access to
family leave, flex-time at work, or on-site
daycare. And it shouldn’t depend on being able
to afford a good breast pump, have insurance
coverage or access to donor milk, if necessary.
A true breastfeeding culture is one where any
woman who desires the experience has the
information, support, and community in which to
do so. So rather than judge women, or worse,
accuse them for feeding their children “crap in
a can” as one mother was told, let’s join
together to make it possible for any woman who
wants to nurse to be able to do so. If we
believe in nursing, let’s believe in it not just
for our own family, but for other families, as
well, and not in a vindictive, judgmental way.
There are many things we can do to help create a
culture that truly respects women, respects
babies, and respects both childbirth and
breastfeeding. Our efforts are limited only by
our imagination and dedication. As
anthropologist Margaret Mead once said, “Never
doubt that a small group of thoughtful,
committed citizens can change the world; indeed,
it’s the only thing that ever has.”
If you share this vision, there are many
organizations that would welcome your
involvement and support, and many activities in
which you can participate. A list of
possibilities is available at:
http://www.breastfeedingcafe.com/TakeAction.htm.
Back to Barbara's
Articles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Barbara L. Behrmann, Ph.D. is a writer, researcher, and author of
The
Breastfeeding Café: Mothers Share the Joys, Secrets & Challenges of Nursing,
University of Michigan Press, 2005. She is a frequent speaker around the
country and is available for talks, readings, and conducting birthing and
breastfeeding writing circles. The mother of two formerly breastfed
children, Barbara lives in upstate New York.
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