Story Time for Nursing Moms

Barbara L. Behrmann, Ph.D.

(c) 2004

I recently gave a talk where I shared the story of a television broadcaster who was nursing a three year old. Her experience centered around the intimacy between her and her son and how breastfeeding was central to their relationship. "I know nursing won’t last forever," I read, quoting her. "In a couple of years he’s not going to want to be held, cuddled and kissed all the time. So even though it would be nice if he would sleep through the night in his own bed, I don’t actively say that I have to stop next month, that this has to end. And just like I think he’ll potty train and give up naps when he’s ready, he’ll sleep alone and stop nursing when he’s ready."

After my talk, a woman approached me. "I want to thank you on behalf of my 21 month-old daughter," she said. "This was just what I needed to hear." Her extended family was pressuring her to wean, she explained, and because the previous night had been her first night apart from her daughter, she reluctantly resigned herself to follow their advice. "But after hearing your stories," she said defiantly, "I’m going to keep on nursing!" I was struck by the gratitude in her voice, the relief that she could, in fact, follow her heart.

Such is the power of story telling. And such is the need for women to share their breastfeeding stories. Because formula-feeding mothers are more prevalent and visible, nursing mothers often feel unsupported, invisible, and unheard. They get the message that their experience, their "story," doesn’t matter. But breastfeeding stories are important.  Here are several reasons why.

Stories Reduce Anxiety, Insecurity and Loneliness

Stories provide comfort that you are not alone, that you shouldn’t take your problems so personally.  Perhaps your baby didn’t latch on well and you thought there was something wrong with your breast.   Maybe you quit nursing because someone suggested you didn’t have enough milk.  Maybe you think there’s something wrong with you because at three months post-partum you still aren’t interested in sex.  Maybe you've never seen anyone else nurse.

Not having a basic understanding of what to expect creates insecurity and anxiety and helps explain why so many women who set out to nurse give it up in the first few weeks. It may even help explain why American women have the highest post-partum depression rate in the Western world.   

Because our culture focuses more on the birth of a baby, and less on the birth of a mother, women are often desperate for connection and emotional support. Stories play a key role. As Dean Ornish writes in the introduction to Kitchen Table Wisdom, sharing our stories helps us "transcend the isolation that separates us from each other and from ourselves."

Stories Enhance Value and Visibility

In the ten years I have spent listening to women’s breastfeeding stories, many have shared some of the most intimate details of their lives and then thanked me. This kind of gratitude speaks to an intense need to feel validated and understood.

Honest discussions about breastfeeding have value well beyond the first few weeks, in part because the longer a woman nurses, the more pressure she may get.  Your neighbor might ask disapprovingly, “When are you going to wean that child?  He’s got teeth already.”  Or, “She’s eating plenty of solids.  You don’t need to nurse anymore.”

Not surprisingly, the longer most women nurse, the less visible they become. "Even though I used to nurse my daughter everywhere, I guess I’m bowing to societal pressure," admits the nursing mother of a two year old. "Rather than having to deal with strangers saying, "What are you doing nursing that big ol’ kid?" I’m now selective in the situations in which I allow her to nurse. It’s not as automatic as it used to be." Sharing our stories helps women leave the nursery behind. It asserts our right to be part of the public domain.

Stories Emphasize the Soul, not the Science.

Stories reveal that breastfeeding is more than a product we feed our babies, but an intimate, on-going relationship between a mother and child. Children sometimes understand this more than adults do. "My daughter knows we are planning to have a new baby someday soon," says a mother on Washington State. "The other day, she bent over, kissed my nipple and said, ‘I put enough love in here to last for the baby when it nurses.’ Why is it that children instinctively know what nursing is all about? And how did society get so far removed from the simple idea of nurturing and love?"

Stories reveal other themes beyond nutrition and health. As one young mother explains, "Through breastfeeding I reject what society has told me my body parts are for, where my value as a woman lies, and what exactly I am capable of. I can sustain the life of another human being so that he flourishes and I can do so without the help of corporations, machines or imitations of myself."

Stories reveal other hidden benefits of breastfeeding. "I discovered that you can use breast milk for everything," said a mother in Alabama. "A mild case of diaper rash? Breast milk. Pink eye? Breast milk. It was amazing. I like that I can nurture my children in a way that no one else can."

"Even if Jade and I are on different pages after a day of being apart," says a single mother in California, "nursing is a happy, pleasurable way to bring us back together. It makes me feel like a wonderful and strong provider."

Empowerment. Healing. Transformation. Such are the secrets that women’s stories reveal.

Stories reveal cultural patterns and commonalities

When similar themes emerge in story after story, it becomes clear that despite the uniqueness of your own experience, there are underlying cultural patterns and commonalities that shape them.     You may discover, for example, that women who have a planned home birth seldom have breastfeeding difficulties, while women who give birth in many U.S. hospitals often struggle to get nursing established.  Or you may begin to wonder why it is that so many moms in the workforce don’t have a clean, private place to express milk?  And what better way to understand that many of the challenges American women face are not significant problems elsewhere in the world?  Stories help you understand that what you face are not simply private problems, but issues that must be addressed by society.    

Stories enhance compassion

Finally, stories can help you, in turn, become more compassionate to others.  Nursing mothers, for example, often accuse bottle-feeding mothers of being selfish and uncaring.  Formula-feeding mothers, in turn, accuse breastfeeding advocates of being strident and insensitive.  As Staci, a breastfeeding-turned-bottle-feeding mother in Nebraska explains, “What many don’t realize is that when a woman fails after wanting so badly to succeed at breastfeeding, she is literally going through a phase of mourning.”

Start Talking!

So the next time you feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, or simply a lone voice in the wilderness, remember that you weren’t meant to parent in isolation.  Kindred spirits are out there.  Stories abound.  And your story, too, with a dose of compassion, can make a difference to someone else.

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Barbara L. Behrmann, Ph.D. is a writer, researcher, and author of The Breastfeeding Café: Mothers Share the Joys, Secrets & Challenges of Nursing, University of Michigan Press, 2005. She is a frequent speaker around the country and is available for talks, readings, and conducting birthing and breastfeeding writing circles. The mother of two formerly breastfed children, Barbara lives in upstate New York.