Three Ways to Make Breastfeeding Harder

By Barbara Behrmann, Ph.D.

Women all around the world nurse their children.  But our different cultures influence our parenting experiences in ways we may not be aware of.  Unfortunately, in many western countries, biology and culture don’t always mesh well.  And this is especially true when it comes to breastfeeding.  A quick look back help you enjoy your breastfeeding journey.

Fitting a Square Peg into a Round Hole

Much of the advice parents received during the first three-quarters of the 20^th century centered around the belief that breast milk was inferior to anything science and technology could produce, that is, formula.  Women’s magazines made breastfeeding almost invisible and equated feeding a baby with giving a doctor-recommended bottle. By 1971 fewer than 1 in 4 women nursed their babies and those who did typically continued for only a few weeks.

Not only was formula the food of choice, but it was to be administered on a strict schedule.  Schedules fit well with the goals of fostering early independence and self reliance.  Mothers were thus encouraged to have their babies sleep alone in a separate room; to train them to sleep through the night; and to teach them to “self-sooth” when they were unhappy.  The upshot was a lot of unhappy, crying babies, and a lot of unhappy mothers who instead of trusting their own heart and judgment, either followed these practices, or felt guilty if they didn’t.

So what does this have to do with your parenting today?  A lot.  Despite all the wonderful progress we’ve made over the past 30 years, and despite more official support for breastfeeding than ever before, yesterday’s practices and beliefs continue to live on, making breastfeeding harder than it has to be.  Plain and simple, it’s hard to develop a satisfying breastfeeding relationship based on these out-dated assumptions. 

Here are three practices pretty much guaranteed to prevent a satisfying experience.

1.  Breastfeed, but only when you perceive that the baby is hungry.

Adults eat for all kinds of reasons besides hunger.   So do babies.  Comfort, security, boredom, thirst and downright pleasure, are some of the main reasons your baby may like to be attached to you - literally.

Babies have different styles, too.  Some are efficient, going on and off the breast quickly.  Others are snackers who may nurse in short, but frequent periods.  Still others like to linger.  So don’t worry if your baby has just eaten.  Nurse as often as you and your baby like. 

Equally important, because breastfeeding works on the principle of supply and demand – the more milk removed from your breast, the more milk you produce - sticking to a schedule means that your baby may not nurse often enough, causing your milk production to fall. Then, assuming your baby needs more milk than you have at that point, formula may seem like the only option.  Unfortunately this typically exacerbates the initial problem throwing nursing into a downward spiral. In this way, “insufficient milk syndrome” is almost always a culturally created problem. 

At the same time, scheduled nursings can leave your breasts feeling, at best, uncomfortably full and at worst, lead to blocked ducts and breast infections.  Expressing your milk can help, of course, but if you and your baby are together, wouldn’t it be a lot easier – and more satisfying – to put your baby to your breast, rather than a pump?

2.  Breastfeed, but don’t fall asleep together. 

Because of the cultural emphasis on fostering independence and self-reliance and the notion that the parental bed is sacred, the U.S. is the only society in which babies most often sleep in their own bed, in their own room. You may or may not want to sleep with your baby, but it’s time to get rid of the stigma that some people associate with co-sleeping.  

Provided that certain safety precautions are taken – just like safety precautions should be undertaken for babies who sleep in cribs – you may discover that sleeping with your baby makes nursing easier.  And when something is easier, you’re more likely to stick with it.   Moreover, co-sleeping and nighttime nursing reduce breast engorgement and help prevent breast infections.  (Do not sleep with your baby, though, if you or your partner are smokers!  Studies show that this is a risk factor for SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) 

But don’t expect your baby to sleep through the night.  This expectation is based on infants fed formula.  Because formula is more slowly absorbed and metabolized, formula fed babies are able to sleep more deeply and for a longer time.  This may sound appealing, but they also have more difficulty rousing themselves from a deep sleep, a factor which may contribute to SIDS.

3.  Breastfeed, but don’t carry the baby much of the time. 

I once heard a story where two women were asked how they were finding new motherhood.  The first replied, “It’s so hard and my baby is so demanding!  If I’m not carrying him all the time, he just cries and doesn’t stop.”  The second mother said, “Oh, it’s wonderful!  My baby is so easy.  All I have to do is hold her and she’s content and happy.”

Ah, perspective.  My point is not that you have to hold your baby 24/7, but you don’t have to listen to anyone who may challenge you that you are spoiling or harming your baby if you hold him too often or wear him in a sling.  Besides, it’s a lot easier to nurse when you and your baby are together. Trust yourself and trust your baby. 

Some nursing mothers may find that scheduled feedings, separate sleeping arrangements and infrequent cuddling may work for them.  But chances are these practices will make breastfeeding – and parenting - less pleasurable.  Chances are, too, that they will wean sooner rather than later.

Square Pegs and Round Holes Revisited

Lactation consultant Diane Wiessinger offers the following analogy:  take two magnets and hold them far apart. There is no tension between them. This is similar to a detached style of bottle-feeding. Now, stick the magnets together. Again, there is no tension. This represents an attached style of breastfeeding. Now hold the magnets a little distance apart, but don’t let them snap together. There is a huge tension between them. It’s exhausting to keep the magnets at that close-but-not-too-close distance and you’re glad when you’re finally allowed to keep them farther apart. This is what it means to breastfeed like a bottle-feeder, she says.  It’s hard work, a kind of martyrdom, not a kind of joy.

As with anything else, of course, there is no single style of nursing, no one way of parenting.  And plenty of bottle-feeding mothers parent in loving, attached ways.  But know that if something doesn’t sit right with you, there just might be a good reason for it.  So listen to your baby and follow your heart.

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Barbara L. Behrmann, Ph.D. is a writer, researcher, and author of The Breastfeeding Café: Mothers Share the Joys, Secrets & Challenges of Nursing, University of Michigan Press, 2005. She is a frequent speaker around the country and is available for talks, readings, and conducting birthing and breastfeeding writing circles. The mother of two formerly breastfed children, Barbara lives in upstate New York.