Where’s Dad In All This?

by

Barbara Behrmann, Ph.D.

 © 2006

Several years ago I was talking about breastfeeding with a group of expectant parents.  One of the first questions they asked was how soon they could introduce a bottle so the father could feed the baby, too.  The underlying issue was less about freeing up the mother, than it was about the father being equally involved in care-taking.

I have always placed a high value on equality within the home.  A person’s gender should no more determine whether they change diapers or change tires.   And it shouldn’t play a role in deciding who brings home the bacon and who cooks it up. 

But then I became a mother.  A breastfeeding mother.  And cooking the bacon was a far cry from feeding the baby.  Beliefs about gender notwithstanding, it was my breasts that were engorged, not my husband’s.

Obviously there are times when a father can give his baby a bottle.  Babies who have a well-established nursing relationship can take bottles just fine – preferably with expressed breast milk, of course.  But in the early days, offering a bottle too soon can derail the whole relationship.  Nipple confusion, painful nipples that may result from a baby latching on poorly, and a reduction in how much breast milk the mother produces, are among the risks that may be simply not worth taking.

But that doesn’t mean that a father’s role is not crucial, both in terms of helping his partner breastfeed, as well as being able to develop his own unique relationship with his baby.

Bonding with Baby

It’s true that there is an intense kind of intimacy developed between a nursing mother and her child.  Baby’s want their mothers breast not only for the warm milk, but for the comfort and security they feel when snuggled there.  Mothers may not have expected such an intense relationship and fathers may sometimes feel excluded, even threatened by it.  Some may also feel frustrated and inadequate, as any father who has ever spent time with a wailing infant waiting for his wife to come home after a couple of hours is likely to understand.  But the last thing dads should do is withdraw or retreat from the family.

Feeding a baby, though, is only one way to develop closeness and fathers can develop intimacy in other ways.  Give the baby its baths, dress her, wear him in a sling or snugli, sing, read, cuddle, play.  Almost all kinds of loving interactions help to establish a relationship uniquely special.  This kind of involvement goes a long way in proving that nurturance and warmth are two qualities that transcend gender. 

During the first few weeks of a baby’s life, though, the first priority should be to help mother and baby establish and become comfortable with breastfeeding.

Helping Out Mom

As eager as fathers may be to share in the feeding, lactation consultant Diane Wiessinger points out that a father’s job should be to support the female process of breastfeeding, not to compete with it. Here are several suggestions:

            ●Offer encouragement, not criticism.  In the early days of establishing nursing, when a mother is sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, one snide comment may be all it takes undermine her confidence or weaken her resolve.  In fact, studies show that mothers with a non-supportive husband are more likely to use formula or wean prematurely. 

            One woman confided that if she ever complained about her breasts leaking, for example, her husband would say, derisively,  “Well, you’re the one who wanted to breastfeed.”  Hardly the kind of comment that supports a nursing relationship. Contrast that attitude with the following:

            “My husband’s support was critical.  He gave me the encouragement and confidence to stick it out.  He never suggested that I didn’t have enough milk and that perhaps that was why the baby wanted to nurse all the time.  His attitude was, “if she’s hungry, feed her.” 

            ● Help mom feel comfortable about nursing in public. Many women already feel self-conscious about this.  Rather than being concerned with the fact that someone might get a “free peek,” as one woman’s husband complained, it’s more important that the baby be fed.  Fathers should feel proud of their partners for making such healthy choices.  Besides, a screaming, unhappy baby is a lot more noticeable than a woman discreetly nursing.  And women are apt to nurse over a longer period of time if they don’t have to go into seclusion to do so. 

            ● Help out at night.  Because breast milk is so easily digested, nursing babies, especially in the early days, are apt to wake every few hours to nurse.  A father can bring the baby to mom – if they aren’t already sleeping together – and, in the early days, help get mother and baby comfortably positioned.  Change the diapers, share in the cuddling, and when necessary, nighttime rocking or walking, are other ways fathers can show their  support for breastfeeding and help provide for their babies’ health and well-being.

            ● Be a good domestic partner.  Nursing takes energy, so making sure mothers don’t neglect their own nutritional needs, is important, too.  Ultimately, the mother’s first job should be to feed the baby.  Everything else can wait.  So while mom feeds the baby, fathers can feed the moms.  Likewise, picking up the slack and not expecting home-cooked meals or laundered socks can go a long way, especially in the early days of parenthood.  In fact, studies of low-income women show that women are more likely to quit nursing during the first couple of weeks when no one is available to take over housekeeping responsibilities, help with baby care, and offer breastfeeding encouragement. 

A Common Goal

Overall, it helps to share the long term goal of raising a healthy baby.  A strong immune system; normal brain development; protection against diarrhea and constipation, ear infections, respiratory infections, allergies, various childhood cancers and SIDS; and fewer visits to the doctor are just some of the reasons why it makes sense for fathers to be big breastfeeding advocates.   And women who nurse recover from childbirth more quickly and reduce their risk of certain breast and ovarian cancers.

So don’t underestimate the importance of fathers.  Remember that it takes a village to raise a child and that village begins in the home.

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Barbara L. Behrmann, Ph.D. is a writer, researcher, and author of The Breastfeeding Café: Mothers Share the Joys, Secrets & Challenges of Nursing, University of Michigan Press, 2005. She is a frequent speaker around the country and is available for talks, readings, and conducting birthing and breastfeeding writing circles. The mother of two formerly breastfed children, Barbara lives in upstate New York.