Day by Day:  Nikki's Story

One of the reasons stories are powerful is that we see ourselves reflected in each others experiences.  This happened to me recently, even though my “nurslings” are now 12 and 8.  I was in Atlanta, participating in a groundbreaking conference organized by the National Advocates for Pregnant Women, when I met Nikki, a 30 year old, soft-spoken mother lovingly wearing her 3 ½ week old baby in a sling.  When I saw her take out her hand-held breast pump and begin to express her milk into a bottle, I knew there was a story behind her efforts to provide her son with breast milk.   Nikki graciously – and tearfully - shared her story with me and has given me permission to share it with you.  It is a story in progress and is a shining example of the strength required of new moms, particularly in the face of health care professionals who may disagree with a woman’s right to choose where and with whom she gives birth.

The Birth

Like me, Nikki pushed for a long time during her birth.  Her son experienced a lot of head compression and was immediately suctioned because of meconium.  Nikki then began to discover what the research shows:  both head compression and suctioning can negatively affect a baby’s ability to nurse.   

Keagan had been born at home with a midwife but Nikki decided to go to the hospital to have them repair a tear caused by her son rotating in the vaginal canal.  Upon arrival she encountered a staff who was furious that she had birthed her baby at home and not at their hospital, where she had received her prenatal care.  They separated mother and baby, gave him some formula, and threatened Nikki and her husband with child protective services.  “I had made a decision beyond their control,” Nikki recalls.  “They wanted me to have repercussions for not complying.”

The hospital also refused to give Nikki a breast pump, wrongly claiming that there was no point in pumping colustrum because she wouldn’t be able to express enough to make it worthwhile.   

Trial and Error

“Once we were back home,” Nikki explains, “I was able to latch on Keagan several times during the next several days but he was arching his back and crying.  He wasn’t ready.  Over the next several days, he wasn’t latching on and we were concerned that he wasn’t gaining weight.  He was also a little jaundiced.” 

"We started using an SNS (supplemental nursing system) attached to my finger.  That went well for a while, but it was cumbersome and hard to use in the middle of the night when you’re completely exhausted.  Then I made the choice to use a bottle.  It made things less stressful.  I had also read Jack Newman’s book, which suggested trying different things so the baby doesn’t get too accustomed to any one thing.” 

“Next we tried a breast shield.  Initially Keagan took it with no problem, but after a day or so, he hated it.  I started coaxing him to latch on, sprinkling milk on a breast shield, for example, and sometimes he’d latch on, but sometimes he wouldn’t.  It’s interesting to me, that he latched on about five different times in that first week, and now he’s not latching on at all.”

An Unwritten Ending

Nikki’s story is not done.  She continues to use an electric pump (and hand-held pump when her electric pump isn’t available) and remains hopeful that eventually her son will be able to nurse at her breast.

 “I’ve told a couple of girlfriends, that my mantra is, “ I love to pump.”  But I hate it.  It’s inconvenient and infuriating and challenging.  But Keagan has to eat and I have to get the milk out somehow.  My husband doesn’t have any idea of what goes into planning a home birth in South Carolina, or what goes into pumping exclusive breast milk for a baby who won’t latch on, or what it means to be constantly vigilant about where to go from here.”

"I went to a La Leche League meeting a few days ago.  One of the things they do is pass out slips of paper with questions or statements to prompt discussion.  We were talking about the benefits of breastfeeding and the paper I ended up with said something to the effect of how wonderful breastfeeding is because you don’t need any extra containers or equipment.  And here I am, the only one with bottles, struggling with this stupid supplemental nurser.  I can’t get my baby to latch on, and pumping is so inconvenient.  And it it’s not natural.  It’s a barrier between you and your baby.  I worked so hard for his birth, only for it to result in this particular difficulty which is hard for me because I enjoyed breastfeeding my daughter so much."

"Since Thursday, he’s been exclusively taking a bottle.  I’m taking a break from the shield because it felt like I was forcing him to do it and there was a lot of tension.   Our plan is to get him some cranio-sacral therapy and do some reading to see what the next step is.  And I’ll take him to my chiropractor to have him adjusted.  I’m doing all I can and I can’t live with anything else.   The alternative is to not try and that’s not who I am.  It’s not even an option.”

Although Nikki continues to struggle, both physically and emotionally, hopefully her tenacious sprit – and a little more time – will pay off in the end.  My daughter didn’t latch on for 5 ½ weeks – but she ultimately did and we went on to nurse for years.  Hopefully, Nikki and Keagan will, too.